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New ideas

So Prop 8 is ok, but the 18,000 gay couples already married can stay that way.

Some might say that the 18,000 existing gay marriages are a loss for the religious right. I say it’s an opportunity. For what? Gay marriage cap and trade.

What better way to show you have some new ideas and aren’t all “gay marriage will lead to people marrying hamsters” than to riff on the hip new emissions cap and trade policy that’s making waves in Washington (or will, anyway).

You’ve already got a cap: 18,000. You need a rate of decrease. You don’t want to seem strident, so you go with 2,000 a year. You shouldn’t have any problems getting that from the number of divorces. That gives you almost a decade to wipe out gay marriage. Long time? Maybe, but you remember that California is well and truly fucked anyway. You probably don’t use “fucked,” though.

Now, let’s say that in any given year, half the marriages end in divorce. So maybe after the first year you have 7,000 (16,000 minus 9,000, keep up) licenses to auction off. What do you get for those marriages? How much would you have paid to marry your wife? One thousand? Two thousand? Ten thousand? In any case, you’re talking millions per year in new revenue (and you didn’t even factor in the death rate!). Now, it’s not enough to cover the $8 billion budget shortfall (unless you’re going to ask $1 million plus per marriage at the outset), but you’ll be doing your part to help California.

There are fringe benefits, too. The new gay marriage loan industry? Just what the struggling mortgage industry needs!

Why are you all looking at me like that?

Categories: Religion, Silliness
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