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Fifty worst

Every year the Buffalo Beast does this and it’s hilarious. Fifty most loathsome people in America for 2006:

40. Alex Jones

Charges: A blustery schizoid moron who makes everyone near him look like an ass just for not punching him when they have the chance. False prophet of the lunatic fringe’s lunatic fringe, Jones has crafted a paranoid alternate reality incorporating every cockamamie conspiracy ever conceived, from the “murder” of Princess Di to “Atlantis was an inside job.” It’s all done by the Freemasons or the Bilderbergers, or something like that; politicians and world leaders who meet and perform secret satanic rituals, as if that would be worse than the things they really do in the light of day. Question authority, kids, but question raving maniacs too. We wouldn’t be surprised if Jones actually works for the Feds as an agent provocateur to make the left look stupid. Lord knows it worked on those “Loose Change” douchebags.

Exhibit A: The ultimate proof that Jones is full of shit is that he’s still alive.

Sentence: Abducted via black helicopter and detained indefinitely in secret FEMA internment camp where men in black ski masks insert microchips into his brain, just as he secretly wishes.

38. Carlos Mencia

Charges: A German-Honduran who pretends to be Mexican so he can engage in jovial slurs about “beaners” and “wetbacks.” Repeatedly says “what?” and “no, I’m serious!” during his stand up routines, as if his audience is blown away by his tiresome retreading of age-old ethnic and gender clichés and his bellowing one-note delivery. Imagines himself to be some kind of envelope-pushing genius despite the fact that his entire body of work is a series of variations on the hackneyed “white guys do this, black guys do this” routine that has launched a thousand careers in stand-up mediocrity. What’s that you say, Carlos? Asians can’t drive? Gee, we’ve never heard that before. A well-known joke thief, Mencia can’t even write his own shitty, hackneyed material.

Exhibit A: Actual name is Ned Holness.

Sentence: Deported to Mexico.

25. Deepak Chopra

Charges: Widely regarded by new age simpletons to be a font of wisdom, Chopra peddles a chutney-flavored weak anthropic principle based on the usual dippy claptrap about “universal energy” and a profoundly erroneous extrapolation of quantum physics. An accused plagiarist and sexual harasser, Chopra entreats his readers to abandon their silly religious traditions—and adopt his. Pitching a watered-down Hinduism as some perfect union of science and spirituality while supporting Intelligent Design and purporting to “prove” the existence of an afterlife, Chopra’s work proves only one thing: he’s just another mystical moron providing a psychic security blanket to soft-skulled suckers.

Exhibit A: Suggested a Middle East Disney World and Iraqi Nickelodeon to mollify their rage.

Sentence: Five years shoveling actual bullshit.

And you can’t leave out the worst:

1. John McCain

Charges: The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain’s most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. By virtue of his five-year stay at the Hanoi Hilton and a completely ineffectual campaign finance reform bill (which was itself only PR damage control for his long-forgotten role in the Keating Five), McCain has so successfully snowed America the he could go around kicking puppies all day and he’d be applauded for his authenticity. In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush’s tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone, while the mainstream press looked away and whistled nonchalantly. Keeps changing the number of additional troops he thinks should be sent to Iraq, in hopes of extending the disaster beyond the next presidential election, so his decorated veteran status will still be relevant.

Exhibit A: “I hated the gooks, and I will hate them for as long as I live.”

Sentence: Back to the bamboo cage.

Ouch.

(via Heliologue)

Categories: Silliness
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